Sometimes my love for life stuns me…the first sight of a baby straight out of the mothers womb reaches me to a climax only I can define…For it is love which keeps us alive even when we fail to exist in the world of the living dead…It is beauty which makes every little child resemble God…It is faith which keeps us going all the way till we can go no more! And love gives all of it! There is no wrong in love, neither is there any self, for in loving every person, every existence we give ourselves and become another self. I may have a thousand selves and yet I want to have a self which is but a collage of all these…a rather uncompromising want drives my existence towards that self which remains like a mirage moving further away from me…And by the name of the all powerful who controls my life like a game of chess, the day I win over his moves, I would have no more wish to live for I would be a part of his being!
Living in this world, with ten thousand things happening around me – it feels like a whole confused hub of a thousand hearts residing with their own array of expectations and wishes! All fragile and tender dreams that dread every movement…as if every existence is on tender hooks, all scared and perturbed at being exposed to the earthly handlings! Like many a settlement, they are being destroyed and rebuilt time and again…and the way every change is accepted can make one feel as if their last existence was but a mockery and this is all that was ever desired…but wait till it is recreated again and that version would be the best! Who can stop this constant process of construction…deconstruction and reconstruction? The fragility of human minds and emotions never fail to surprise me…not that I am beyond all this, though! I wonder at times…why do I accept this deconstruction of my innermost feelings…of the basis of my expectations? Why did I need to be so accommodating all my life, I wonder! Letting the entire world see through my almost transparent existence was perhaps a mistake that can cost me my life! And yet all I can do now is regret…I wonder why!
Given where I stand now in life, a thousand questions seem to storm my mind…I often wonder am I really ready for what is being assigned to me? Am I being over estimated and given way too much to handle? After all I am yet to live my life on my own terms…why then do I agree terms set by somebody who does not know my limitations? And yet I had done all this for love…is this where love wants to take me? Some say it is all about how you face the adversities and yet remain as willing for it…some say it is all about being happy…but I wonder if this struggle is really making me happy or merely wearing me out in this existential trap! My love for the wild…for the unseen and uncontrollable seems to be engulfing me in a flame I can hardly manage to douse! A flame that seems to ask for a huge sacrifice from me…at times I wonder if I am really losing this constant battle…I honestly hate to lose! Escapist, that I have proven myself to be in all this while…I’d much rather run away and take shelter in some darkness and lick on my own wounds! Is it me alone? Or are there many more like me, who walk this earth nurturing wounds and pains that they hate to show for the fear of being labeled a loser?
Is it really that easy to pretend being happy? Happiness…I always thought I was happy…happy with life…happy with whatever life offered me…happy with everything that life has given to me! But now I marvel at the great world of false happiness that I was living in…they talk about illusion? The illusions I have been nurturing all my life have left me wonderstruck! Was I never equipped to face them? Was I always scared of the consequences of facing imminent failure? So much for being extra conscious never to hurt anyone…maybe it was not so much of a good idea after all!
Does anybody know me? Or am I an alien in my own world? Alien to my own self and to the many faces that rotate all around my centralized existence on their fixed orbits…sometimes one or more stray and come closer! Do they try to know the burning, smouldering me…or am I to burn in this shell of fire for the rest of my days? Do I ever get a healing touch to soothe my charred soul? Or is it too late to expect a respite from this? Should I not be thinking of this respite at this stage in life?
Dreary are the paths that I seem to have walked all my life, unaware of the stones that have left my bare feet almost numb for I can no longer feel the pain! Did I ever feel the pain is what I wonder or had I overlooked the stings of the sharp edged stones as obvious obstacles that I had to overcome? Where do I stand now? Fearing failure I have landed at the very edge of a step cliff where that seems to give me an option to chose between the devil and the deep blue sea…At times I feel perhaps the devil devouring me would end my anguish…then again I feel perhaps the sea could cool off my wounds and let me rest in her arms forever…but that would be another escape! I hate to be labeled an escapist! Having already run away from a lot that could have make me stronger, I feel like the warrior who can just run away from reality fearing to face the uncertainties of life that could have led to even the final verdict…death! Perhaps that one will to face and die could have at least given me more of a worth! And everytime I feel I need this no more…I am reminded of “That’s what learning is, after all: not whether we lose the game, but how we’ve changed because of it and what we take away from it that we never had before, to apply to other games. Losing, in a curious way, is winning.” – Richard Bach.
But my war seems to have just begun…my undying, indestructible existence seems to remain unmoved by all the deaths, all the failures, all the pains and I go on…on the path leading nowhere…or maybe to a land where paths run in circles and come back to where they begin! As I move from uncertainty to oblivion my journey seems more tiring! I wish for a companion who walks on the same paths and dies the same deaths everyday…maybe together we can live the deaths and move closer to eternity!
The land of nowhere, where only love resides and nurtures more love…